Opinion

Kalaki on Michael’s New Year Message

Kalaki Michael's New Year Message

The following article is written by a respected Zambian satirist Roy Clarke for his blog, Kalaki’s Korner.

I knocked on the door and went straight in. He was sitting upright in his armchair, wearing his full dress uniform as Commander-in-Chief, with gold braid, and a long row of medals for bravery awarded during the long and arduous Third Term Campaign.

‘Hah, Spectator Kalaki,’ he greeted me gruffly, ‘if you’re looking for a job you’re too awkward, too cheeky and no good at licking boots. And also you’re too late, the hiring has ended, the re-shuffling is complete and the firing has now begun.’

‘Happy New Year, Michael,’ I replied cheerily. ‘I just popped in to see if you have a New Year Message for your people.’

‘Look Kalaki,’ he replied sternly, ‘I am now your president, you can’t be calling me Michael anymore.’

‘Happy New Year, Mr President,’ I said, ‘and do you have a New Year Message for your people?’

‘This is not America,’ he said sternly, ‘this is a former British Colony. You must address me as Your Excellency Dr Michael Chilufya Sata MBR.’

‘But Your Excellency, when did you acquire an excellent doctorate, Your Exellency?’

‘Your friend Doctor Dotty Scotty found it on www.doctorate.com for only ten dollars. That’s why I can’t fire him, he’s the only one in the government who knows how to use the internet.’

‘And what about MBR, Your Excellency? Has the Queen made you a Member of British Royalty in her New Years Honours List?’

He sat up very straight and puffed out his chest. ‘MBR means I am a Member of British Railways, in recognition of my ten years distinguished service as a platform sweeper.’

‘Congratulations Your Most Excellent Excellency,’ I said, as I bowed graciously before such excellence. ‘And now that I have finally found the right form of address when speaking to such a newly distinguished personage, can we return to my earlier question of whether you have any New Year Message for your people?’

‘My dear Kalaki, you seem to have a strange view of how government works. After my election I spoke to the people, thanking them for their very wise decision in electing me. Should I ever decide to hold another election, I shall certainly speak to them again, to warn them of the dire consequences of not voting for me. In the meantime there is no need for them to concern themselves with the work of government, since politics is for politicians. Therefore, for the foreseeable future, I see no need for me to say anything.’

‘But you yourself, Your Most Excellent Excellency, formerly known as Michael, how do you think you are doing?’

‘Very well, my dear Kalaki, very well indeed. I’ve had a bit of a prostate problem which affected the kidneys, and I’ve got a bit of a dicky ticker. But with the entire health budget dedicated to lengthening my life, and the entire security budget dedicated to shortening the lives of my enemies, I expect to remain in power indefinitely, or possibly longer. And thank you, my dear Kalaki, for your concern for my health and welfare.’

‘Well, ahrum, ah, Your Excellently Healthy Excellency, what I meant to ask was how do you think your government is doing? I mean, people are saying you promised to do everything in 90 days and you have done nothing in 400 days.’

Despite the great weight of his massive uniform with all its gold braid and medals, His Excellent Excellency now leapt to his feet with a roar and attacked the thin air within an invisible sword. ‘People who say such things are enemies of the nation and I shall deal with them! The opposition parties are deliberately opposing me, and of course I shall not make progress until I have destroyed them!’

‘And how will you do that?’

‘Don’t you know that this corrupt country is rotten to the core? Everybody has a record of corruption, and I have a dossier on all of them! My face is now on every wall, and is watching everybody. Even you Kakaki, if I want to fix you, I have twenty-three counts against you. Join me and I shall forgive,’ he shouted, as he marched around the room with an energetic goose-step, ‘Oppose me and you are finished! That is how I shall unite the nation to implement my election promises! Ha ha!’

‘But Your Most Excellent Excellency,’ I protested, as he slumped back into his armchair, exhausted by his spirited attack upon the thin air, ‘It seems that there are also divisions within your own party!’

‘There are some malcontents and delinquents who harbour thoughts of leadership, instead of submitting themselves to the Great Leader of Destiny who has been appointed by God to cleanse this country of filth and corruption!’ he shouted, as his limbs jerked and his face twitched. ‘These rogue elements will be cleansed, purged and eliminated until I reign supreme!’

‘But what about the Rule of Law?’

‘Exactly. Now at last you have a sensible question. In the days of the colonial government the British Lion understood the Rule of Roar! Those were the days when the enemies of the nation trembled at the firm smack of government! And now, at last, the Rule of Roar is back!’

‘And finally, Your Most Excellent Roaring Excellency,’ I said, ‘please allow me to repeat my earlier question. Do you have any New Year Message for the long suffering people of this country?’

‘Yes I do,’ he roared, now standing up and thrusting a straight arm salute into my face. ‘Tell them that they have nothing to fear so long as they are loyal to their Great Leader!’

Source: Kalaki’s Korner

 

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